Our Plan for World Peace
Teach 'em to COWBOY UP

Seems like the problem with running a conquering superpower of a nation is that every nation you conquer becomes dependent on you. Sure, we can backhand the Taliban right off the map and still make an early tee time, but we get caught up with tending to the needs of a country that has nothing and is dependent on outside help for everything.

It will be tough for the U.S. to foster lasting peace in Afghanistan, where every able bodied man has been involved in fighting one war or another since our Fearless Leader was a green rookie. What are they supposed to do, take up pottery? They've been conditioned from birth to wage war. And are they supposed to listen to America? We trained them in the ways of guerilla warfare 20 years ago. We just got through bombing the hell out of them, and now we're off to bomb the hell out of somebody else. We probably don't look like the most peace-loving of people to most Afghanies.

The Afhgany people need a diversion. Something -- ANYTHING -- to do to pass the time. Too many of them make a living selling pieces of bombs, and if they are going to live in peace, soon there won't be any more bombs to salvage scrap from. What the Afghanies really need is a SPORT. Not golf, or tennis, or curling, and certainly not figure skating... these are rough and ready people. They need BULL RIDING. Think about it -- while they might also do well at motocross racing or demolition derby, bull riding is a better choice because the equipment is cheaper. Fighting sports like boxing or wrestling probably wouldn't be a good idea.

As far as I know, bull riding only exists in America, Australia, Canada, Brazil, and some other Latin American countries. When is the last time the U.S. had any trouble out of those nations? Why has Canada never invaded us? They have rodeo (although beer might also be a factor in their case). But any country where the bravest and toughest of men are able to pursue their true nature's calling (i.e. bull riding) is usually peaceful, simply because these alpha males have something to do. If not for the World's Greatest Sport, they might overthrow the government just to pass the time.

I'd guess that since most Afghanies are country folks, and have been conditioned to toughness and enjoy short life spans anyway, they would make great bull riders. The rest of them would probably make great bull riding fans. Our U.S. stock contractors could send them our cull bulls, and that would help us out as well. As the Afghanies learned to ride better, they would likely have the good sense to send for better bulls and turn our culls into hamburger -- something our own bull owners sometimes have trouble doing. Probably because they aren't hungry enough. We could all donate old boots, since spurs won't work with the Afghanie desert sandals. Surely they have some natives who can learn to plait a rope.

It makes perfect sense that as soon as they learn the basics of rodeoing, the Afghanies will be too preoccupied to worry with fighting each other or anybody else. They'll be spending most of their time fixing up whatever old cars they can find- to make it to the next show, building arenas, hanging out in saloons, etc. After bull riding takes hold, it's only a matter of time until some of the crazier Afghanies will want to take up Bareback Riding, and when that happens, those really unstable individuals (the ones most likely to sign on as suicide bombers) will have to spend quite a bit of their time playing with their riggings and gloves, and sniffing barge cement, and will have precious few hours in a day to even think about starting another war or plotting any terrorist attacks.

Want peace? Give 'em Rodeo.

Slade Long
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