NFR 2001

Second Performance
Saturday Night December 8, 2001

Pen of Bulls:     The Lame Excuses

During the regular season cowboys call the Central Entry system (fondly tagged SCREWCOM) to find out what bull they’ve drawn.   Then comes travel planning, saying goodbye to family members or significant other… or pet sheep.

OR….  if you drawn some of these beasts… it’s time for whining, puking, or thinking up EXCUSES why you aren’t going to go.  In the course of a season a guy can easily wipe-out all his living relatives, blow up every engine, and be infected with every known virus or bacterium.  But it’s really a waste of time since in his weak little pumper he knows he really just chickened-out.  Somewhere there are bull riding cheerleaders chanting “Gimme a P… gimmee a U… gimmee a SSY… what does it spell—YOU. 

This pen is not so fondly known as the BIG ELIMINATORS… but this is the new millennium… so they aren’t much like the olden days when nearly every bull could knock your lips off or were bonified and verifiable homosexuals.   These for the most part are Semi E’s or Linebackers.  Rough and tuff—like to rumble—type guys.  Added to that group are a couple of Bull of the Year candidates. 

The reason some of them get turned out is because the percentages don’t favor a guy making 8.   Rather than investing $1,000 or 12 hours of driving, some bull riders will find that like magic a TV remote will grow out of their grime-ee little hands.   But there are a few bulls in this pen that if you turn them out they ought to jerk your card.

Vince Stanton         C1 Mormon Cricket       Powder River 

World: 1. $96,877.50 -- NFR: $0 ---- 0-1

I looked it up… it’s a big bug that eats anything in sight.   Looking at this bull’s tum tum—he’s a good Mormon Cricket.   Is 26 and on a mission.  Stock contractor type body—all GUT and BUTT.   Scott Breding won two rodeos in a row on him this fall.   He came to Dallas as a Baby E and left there in this pen.  At Dallas and Casper C1 made short work of some guys who can ride.  Not dangerous… just a big ol’ HEAVY BUG.   If Vince chooses to leave the chute the same time the Cricket does—he should place.

Lee Akin                                 142  Voo Doo                           Bailey

World:  2. $96,877.50 ---- NFR: $5,743.30 ---- 1-1

This bull tries hard.  Has a roll right out of there that gets most everyone but will then turn back and be good.   Comes from a real good herd of bulls and an owner who recently became Almost Famous for his triple tail twist maneuver.  But heck… I figure if you take a guy’s ballpoint away from him what is he to do?  Decent draw but I don’t think this bull has been ridden in a couple of years. 

Rob Bell             9 Stray Dog              Honeycutt

World:  3. $90,977.73 ---- NFR: $0 ---- 0-1

Guess ol’ STRAY hauled his testicles in this very same arena a few weeks ago.  PRB?  BRO…  PBR  yeah… that’s it—the bad guys.   Never heard about it until it was really too late to bench him.  But in this pen a whistle means a check so ARF ARF can kink his tail if he wishes.  Leans in the chute then has a long leap and turn back.   Unridden in rodeo competition.    Not a particularly good draw but like dating—you gotta start somewhere.   Being from Canada Rob ought to have experience dating big hairy things that lean, roll, and leap.  A kinda homely girl in Canada is a MOOSE.

Cody Hancock                    672 Prime Time                             Salt River

World:  4. $90,311.21 ---- NFR: $2,181.00 ---- 1-1

Skip Beeler veteran bovine that is the kind that the public remembers.  Trying to get 8 outs on him they took Prime T to a $500 rodeo in Louisiana in October.   Of course no one showed up to get on him.   Skip Beeler and Jerry Nelson were last minute NFR shoppers.   Hard to find last minute gifts sometimes.   Shop early and often I always say.

Prime Time is a big time bucker.   One of those $50,000-$75,000 type bulls that they probably are holding out for $150,000 for or would never sell.   52 cents a pound, boys.   Every time they open a chute gate you’re only one jump away from 52 cents a pound.   TARPON type leaps.   Only problem is that you are the LURE.   Hancock’s natural style incorporates a little of Denny Flynn and a little of Terry Don.  The Terry Don part might get him by this bull.

Mike Moore             731 Bokemon                 Andrews

World:  5. $89,868.91 ---- NFR: $10,686.90 ---- 1-1

Yes… the little Bodacious son… yes… the one in a million….the little bull that kicks so high he hung a foot in the top slat in Dallas and consequently whipped Philip down and bloodied his petite snoz.  If Elkins had been Monte Hensen BOKE would be doing his bucking in Huntsville or MaCallister (murder in the first degree).  Of course with our fine rodeo OH-NO-fficials ATTEMPTED MURDER doesn’t warrant a reride option.   Like CSI—they have to have a corpse.   Think this bull rides good if you get around the corner.   Good draw to win the round.

Jessie Bail               01  Shag McNasty                     Rumford

World:  6.  $79,550.15 ---- NFR: $0 ---- 0-1

Shag eats boogers.   Has dried snot caked on his big mug.  NASTY.  Bull fighter type guy.   Flint Rasmussen lookalike.   More entertaining.   I’m sure his owners are proud of him but then in a state of booger eaters it doesn’t take a lot to endear you to the masses.   A ROLL is supposed to be this fat boy’s M.O.   Has almost been ridden a couple of times this year.  Looks to me like he’s the kind you’d be more likely to ride with a gate rope and tennis shoes.  You clamp and strain—he’ll get you for sure.    I’m sure Jesse has been on a few with a gate rope—and perhaps riding impaired.  

How did this booger eater get to the NFR?   Only thing I can figure is Tommy Rumford turned the road signs at the ol’ cross roads.   The SIGN that said Las Vegas 1,452 miles and SALEBARN 6 miles.  Truckers have been known to take the long way around.  Bronc was probably driving.     

HEY here’s a brilliant idea.  Let’s advertise the NFR as the greatest thing since Ty Murray.   Decoy 16,000 suckers in at $30-$250 a ticket.   Then let’s hire the world’s greatest rodeo entertainer.  Then let’s stick him in a big beer can and anchor it down in the arena.  Okay …. now let’s tie his hands and super glue his pee pee-er to the inside of the barrel just to make sure he stays home.  Granted it would take a very small drop of adhesive and a magnifying glass and a BIG, THICK pair of chemical resistant gloves.   We’re on a roll now so let’s GAG the little sucker.  

And then we wonder why rodeo is on the decline.  Well DUH. A life-sized cardboard cut-out would make more business sense.  At least the bulls could run over it.   And we could burn it after every perf.  Roast marshmallows and stuff.  Entertainment—hard to beat rodeo.   It beats itself.   Hard and often.

Blue Stone           426 White Caps                       Barnes

World: 7. $75,972.43 ---- NFR: $13,522.20 ---- 1-1

Think this BRAHMER probably rides good but his deal is he’s an oink oink in the chutes.  PIGG.   Of course he spends a good deal of time in the world’s flimsiest… no place for your footsies…. shortest… crappiest…. made out of discarded pop cans (BUT EASY TO ASSEMBLE ON RACETACKS, BALL FIELDS, OR PARKING LOTS) portable chutes.    Brahmers are like X Wives….untrustworthy…. mean–spirited…. get even…. mash on you till you squeal.  Certainly one of the best bulls in the Great Lakes circuit.  Of course that’s comparable to being one of the prettiest girls in Laramie or Saskatoon.  Laramie is really a suburb of Saskatoon.    Figure if he gets CAP started—Blue will rack up #2.

Myron Duarte                R410  T Bug                            Gilbert

World:  8. $75,420.24 ---- NFR: $5,743.30 ---- 1-1

If some of these bulls are homo… Rick is a HOOOOOOOOO—MO0000000.    No… not WHO MOO.  He’s a fag… a queer—a Rump Ranger.   A barrel man.  Jesse Bail the only man to the best of our knowledge to have ever ridden him.  Somewhere in the desert this fall.   90 something.   According to MATH by STEVE—he’d been out 16,789 times.   Think he’s a 5 year-old.    Picked the rankest bull at the MGM Tour finals.   Big boy…. a big piece of bread for your little Hawaiian toaster.  

Thought we helped Steve Gilbert with the R and L tattoo thing but then I looked.  Guess what?  Yep…. Dyslexic.   See … Steveroni… when we say LEFT Delivery—it means left when you are standing in FRONT of the NFR chutes—not on the backside.  Oh well, guess you could UCILLE the L and UBY to the R.  Your wife won’t have to go far to find a divorce attorney.  

But on the other hand what are we gonna tattoo on BUD’s wrist?  How about    DUH?    OR… I have a bull out tonight?

Oh yeah—this is a calf out of the famous and recently deceased-- RICKY.  See…. genetics DO make a difference.   Bet that make Rhett Beutler nervous. 

Philip Elkins                R21  Gold Coast                       Bailey

World:  9. $72,994.69 ---- NFR: $5,743.30 ---- 1-1

“The rankest bull I’ve seen all year”….. after Omaha several secret agents filed that report.   The Famous Tuff Hedeman even spoke highly of this bull after seeing him at a bull riding last spring.  Pretty hard to get Tuff to say nice things.   So… me… being me—checked ol’ Coast’s performance record.   Didn’t buck 2 out of 3 times at Fort Worth.    Hmmmm.  Then at the Dallas--that very exciting, packed to the rafters at $70 tickets – the venue that everyone said wouldn’t work--Tour Finals … there COAST hopped around like a constipated TOAD.  So this is GOLD TOAD.  Just another TURD to step around.    If Philip gets him started you gotta believe that TOADIE will weaken and hit the ROADIE.

Fred Boettcher           092  Okeechobee Wipe Out              Beutler & Son

World:  10. $64,941.83 ---- NFR: $0 ---- 0-1

Kicked out of the swamp for being too big of a snake.   Used to WHACK guys but had his horns surgically removed.   Bennie says he’s really been bucking.  Of course, Bennie has a nose like Hawkeye.  Hawkeye’s is genetic… Bennie grew his.  Son-in-law Corey Navarre was 90 something on this bull at Greeley.  Pre nuptual agreement I can only assume.    “For better or worse… blah… blah… promise to get on all of Bennie’s queers….blah… blah.”    What men will do for love.  

Unridden since.   To best describe this bull’s bucking pattern….  imagine an 1800 pound METAL vibrator (I choose not too)… now imagine the bull rider is wearing metal chaps (nothing else) …. okay now imagine the chute gate opening and someone with a long nose and stretchy bell bottoms plugging them in to a 220V socket.   YOWEE.    Fred… look out—the Okee has a knife.

Josh O’Byrne                           233  Sting Ray                         Walls

World:  11. $64,390.29 ---- NFR: $0 ---- 0-1

Think someone last rode this LITTLE bull in Waco in 2000.  A little dose of the CLAP.     That year Walls hauled this bull and two of his buddies all the way to Albuquerque to get them exposed to the NFR guys late in the year.  Bucked a guy off in 1.3 seconds and then ended up in the rerides his second trip.   I thought he was the buckinest bull I saw at Dallas his first trip then his second trip something happened at the chute… can’t remember… hipped himself… or hit his head.  A reride option foul anyway so he never got to play.  Think this is a full brother to Harper’s Strawberry Wine.   By this point of his career Josh is used to having difficulties.  Heck he’s traveled with Myron so we know he’s tough.   This bull is a day off compared to traveling with the Pineapple King.

Corey McFadden            112 Red Alert                                   Walls

World:  12. $62,883.61 ---- NFR: $0 ---- 0-1

You mighta seen Vince Stanton be 94 on this bull at Dallas.   Looked good in person not sure how it looked on rodeo’s answer to the Lawrence Welk Hour.

BOOOOOO-RING.   I particularly like that replay shot where they show the rider from the waist up.  Actually they could name it THAT 70’s Show.  Pretty much the same thing we were putting out in 1970.    Only in the 70’s you could put on your tie-dyed shirt, bell bottoms, beads, and grab a reefer.   Just kidding.  

This bull can have different trips.  The trip he had here with Hancock last year—I don’t think anyone coulda rode him.   Dirt Dart City.   This bull wouldn’t’ve got to the NFR last year but Andrews asked Stace Smith if Walls and Catelina could bring their NFR candidates to one of his rodeos after the Mesquite Tour deal.   Stace said yes and each contractor got a bull to the NFR.  This bull should fit Corey.  Probably the go round.

Jason McClain            G21 Copen Durango                 Mesquite

World:  13. $62,348.96 ---- NFR: $0 ---- 0-1

I guess this bull looks like a truck with spit drooled on it.   Big Time bucker.  Cody Custer rode him here a few years ago.  Mike Moore stuck it on this big boy at the Dallas Extravaganza.   At times he’s had a bounty on him as high as $50,000.   Don’t think they do bounty stuff anymore.   Now they offer a free Happy Meal or something.   About Cheyenne time from listening to the bull riders—I figured DOO to be the bull of the year.  For some reason he fell out of favor and it wasn’t anything HE did.  My personal theory is the September 11^th tragedy may have influenced the voters.  They made a sentimental selection and picked a good bull owned by a good guy.  This bull is ranker… a lot ranker.   G21 is most likely to buck off any bull rider than any bull here or elsewhere.  

Or….. knowing bull riders, there might’ve been a Britney Spears concert on HBO the night before they voted and they didn’t recover in time to vote.   If Jim Gay is wearing gloves tonight it’s because he’s knawed off his fingernails.  This kid can ride.   Big Time talent.   The way to tell if James has been chewing his nails is to look at his teeth.  Black teeth—nails.

Greg Whitlow

World:  14. $62,129.62

Jason Legler             238  Lightning Strike               Western

World:  15. $58,183.35 ---- NFR: $0 ---- 0-1

This bull coulda been out last night but we put him here because he’s a NUT CASE.   Mental Illness.    A popular bull rider theory is that bulls can catch it from flankers.   From the fingers …. into the non fleeced soft cotton rope… into the rump… up to the brain …. whatever.   That theory makes perfect sense if flankers are stock contractors.   Lots of mental illness in that group.   In fact, mental illness is almost a pre requisite for being a stock contractor.   Some are over qualified.    Probably a good draw to win first on here.    Rob Bell was 90 something on him at Salinas.    Adriano JR. (Jason) should like this draw.

Kagan Sirett              K78  Unforgiven                   Big Bend

World:  16. $57,664.93 ---- NFR: $0 ---- 0-1

This would have been my pick for bucking bull of the year.   This dude gets HIGH and he isn’t on pot either.   For the public this is the bull that best exhibits his talent in a manner they can recognize and appreciate.  G21 usually dumps them too quick.   672 of Beeler’s may be more spectacular than either of them though.  Rodeos about as hard.    The only thing I wonder about is that I THINK this bull needs a bull fighter to turn him back—otherwise it’s going to be straight down the arena.  Like UFO’s—no conclusive proof of it.   But even if he doesn’t spin he’s gonna be BUCKING high and hard. I don’t think he was going to turn back here with Lee Akin last year.  Last year at the Cow Palace when the bull fighter caught him we coulda seen another 100 point score.  He was a perfect bucking bull.  If I could ride like these guys I would PAY $1,000 for the privilege of getting on this bull.   This is the kind of bull that Kagan can ride.

ATTENTION SHOPPERS:

Only 16 shopping days left.  I know some of the Stock Contractor wives are getting desperate……  what to buy a guy who has nothing but a bad attitude.   Hmmm… breath mints?   Industrial strength deodorant?   50 gallon barrel of Slim Fast?   Or how about a Big Eliminator bull?   That would be a bad choice even though it would be fun getting the package under the tree and watching the unwrapping.

See Ladies… we’ve been phasing those type of bulls out over the last several years.  There are very few in this pen tonight.   In the future we may choose to live with a few who PRCA contractors raise but in regard to importing outside E’s IN—they probably won’t get to the NFR unless they buy a ticket… they’ll get to watch a lot of short gos…  they’ll spend a lot of time standing in chutes with little chance of being used and they take up space on a truck.   Rodeo committees will ask the cowboys why there were so many Turn-outs.   They’ll rat you out, of course.    And even if bulls are here this year and you assume they’ll be an automatic pick next year—that isn’t a for sure deal.    Don’t bet what’s left of your ranch on that assumption.

And … if they bop a few guys… or if PBR quits using them you’re gonna have lots of lean hamburger in the freezer.

Right or wrong… that’s the way it is. Big E stock has been declining for the last decade.    Don’t waste your money.

Our Fine Rerides:  (not necessarily in order)

695  Mighty Whitey          Growney
Have a hemorrhoid problem?    This bull will jerk them out through your nostrils.

604   No Can Do              Growney     
Little red creep.     Can be good or can be a knife pulling Puerto Rican high on crack.

69  Buff Daddy                Burns 
More of a Baby E but effective (or infective).   Be safe—wear a condom.