NFR 2001

Eighth Performance
Friday - December 14, 2001

Pen of Bulls:    
Harry Potter's Magical Creatures of Doom

This is the Big Eliminator pen -- Rodeo's own Creatures of Doom.  Imaginary monsters for little boys to face and, in facing them, become men. Life for the most part is about facing fears, dealing with adversity, and surviving difficulties with your integrity intact. 

Harry Potter's Vegas Vacation

Our very special guest tonight is no other than little Harry Potter, the English boy, the main character in J.K Rowling’s series of children’s books and the star of what soon will be the largest grossing movie of in the history of cinema.  Since I bought my first Harry Potter book yesterday and was thereby introduced to this young man’s imaginary and mythical world—he was been kind enough to fly in by broomstick to have me introduce him to rodeo.  As strange as Harry’s world seems to us, to millions of children, rodeo is equally as strange.   We know little of Harry’s world and they know little of ours.

Hi Harry.  Welcome to the good ol’ USA.  Nice flight?  Oh yeah, bugs… I never thought about that.  Yeah,  I’ve got some toothpaste and mouthwash.   Here, let me clean off your specs.  How’d you even see?

What?  Take your broom to the rodeo tonight?   I can ride on it too?  Cool.   I’ve dated a few women who in retrospect I’m sure spent a good deal of time flying around on brooms.  

Are there any Harrys in rodeo?  A few.  Not a common name though.  There’s a one-thumbed rodeo judge.   Our most famous is King Harry, he owns lots of rodeo animals and puts on some of the biggest rodeos in the land.  Yes, Harry… our Harry is a good king.  Has some interesting Princes and Princesses coming behind him.  

Do you still have beheading in England, Harry?

Okay Harry, hang a left up here.  Those people with the signs?  Oh, they think we hurt our animals.  Well sometimes Harry but it isn’t intentional.  You know Harry, for the most part most of those people standing there have their hearts in the right place.  Look at them - they’re pretty young.  Look like college students. That older guy on the left there—Harry—you can see he’s just MAD at the world.   He doesn’t like anything.   That old lady on the right?  Gee Harry… I really think she’s a street person—there are a lot of them in Las Vegas.  Pretty sad.  Look in those eyes Harry… it’s mental illness…. there are so many in this town it makes you want to cry.   Maybe she’ll get a warm meal out of it.  Yeah, Harry they’ve been giving us fits the last few years.  They have lots of money.  About twenty years ago,  we looked at the tax returns of one of the biggest organizations and it had something like 14 million dollars of donations that year and only spent $280,000 on doing anything at all for animals.  They had twenty or more people making over $100,000 a year.  Most of the money they spent on cars, food, travel to nice places, advertising, administration, fund raising, and political lobbying.   Each year they elect more people to the house and senate.    They take advantage of people’s love of animals.  What they won’t let people know is that is that rodeo loves it’s animals.  But not all of the organizations are bad—some really DO help animals. 

Okay Harry, stop there so that guy can check my credentials.  You’re invisible but even though I’d like to be—I’m not.   They check all of us MUGGLES.   No Harry, he doesn’t speak English.   I think he’s an EX airport security guy.

We’re running a little late Harry.  If we hurry we can catch the barrel skating and the bull riding.  Go down that alley there.  Geez Harry… we nearly got smoked by that barrel horse.   You better land. The bull riding director flying down the alley way into the building… they have guns Harry.  They will shoot and ask questions later.   Being that it’s ME—they won’t even ask questions.

Okay climb over here on the right hand delivery.  Too crowded on the left.  See that tall guy there?  He used to be a sheriff in Montana.   He’s a fun-ologist now Harry. He has books too.   I don’t know if he has any childrens books.  Pretty funny. Maybe we could do some trading.

Just three barrel racers left.  No, the horses shouldn’t trip like that.  Even the bulls have had problems.  I don’t know, Harry, maybe the ground is too dry and loose on top and then it’s hardpan underneath.  I’ll show you some tapes later of bulls trying to push off with their hind feet—and them slipping.  Yes Harry I married one of those barrel skaters.  I wouldn’t recommend it to you Harry.  You seem like a nice boy who has enough problems already. 

Those boys with the vests?  They’re the bull riders, Harry.  Very brave young men.  Yes, they ARE good looking like me.  Smart like me too?  Well thanks for the compliment but they’re even smarter.  They’re good guys Harry.  We’ll go to the locker room after.  Since you’re invisible I can’t introduce you to them but during the bull riding tonight I’ll try to introduce THEM to YOU.

 Harry… thought it might be fun if we named the bulls after some of the monsters in your world.   You give me a monster name for each one okay?  

Kagan Sirett           G21 Dodge Durango              Rafter G  (Mesquite)

An ERUMPENT. A very large grey African beast of great power.  Weighing up to a tonne, it may be mistaken for a rhinoceros at a distance.  It has a thick hide, a large sharp horn upon its nose, and a long rope-like tail.

Gee… Little Buddy… can I call you my little buddy, Harry?  This is my other little buddy, Kagan.  He’s got the right STUFF.   I’m proud of him.

Harry, this is a pretty famous bull.  I’m surprised they brought him here though. They had been hiding him from a most vicious monster slayer named FROG who had threatened to turn this big bull into barbeque beef.  Ever had barbeque beef, Harry?  Oh… over there it's barbeque ERUMPENT?   Guess Rafter G  figured FROG wasn’t entered here so it was safe to bring their bull.  We have a few tadpoles here though.  And, as you know, overnight tadpoles can change into frogs and frogs have been known to turn into princes.

Rob Bell                  731 Bokemon                  Andrews

A KAPPA.  Is a Japanese water serpent that inhabits shallow ponds and rivers.  Often said to look to look like a monkey with fish scales instead of fur, it has a hollow in the top of its head in which it carries water.

They had us locked out of the heelers room last night so I’m not sure if Rob will be getting on tonight.  I can’t imagine it but he’s tough.  He was already banged up.   Big money rider when he’s healthy. You ever watch a one-legged frog hop, Harry?  That’s how this guy runs away from bulls.

Say, Harry, this is another offspring out of a famous ERUMPENT sized bull named Bodacious.  He was a nice monster but bucked so hard he injured cowboys.  This bull is smaller and a good draw in this pen.  If Rob can’t get on boke will be the 1^st reride.

Jason McClain              672 Prime Time               Beeler (Salt River)

a CRUP closely resembles a Jack Russell Terrier, except for a forked tail.  It is a great scavenger, eating anything from Gnomes to old trees.  Crup owners are legally obliged to remove the Crup’s tail with a painless severing charm when the Crup is six to eight weeks of age.

This guy is a hunter, Harry.  Likes mountains and solitude.  He’s funny too. Like his uncle Frank—Jason can really ride bulls. 

PT is a wild bull, Harry.  He makes the 17,000 muggles get excited.  They go back home and tell stories about seeing this bull. He’s like fireworks on the 4^th of July.

Geez Harry, just cuz you’re invisible doesn’t give you the right to LET ONE like that.  You been eatin’ dead possums?   Oh… had a Bowtruckle.   I assume that would be comparable to a road-killed skunk. No… that over there isn’t a road-killed Skunk.  That’s an animal we call a Stock Contractor. They only SMELL like road-killed skunks.

Who’s the best bull rider here you ask, Harry? That’s a toughie. Some guys who were riding great have looked horrible here.  And it isn’t like they haven’t been bearing down, Harry.   Some guys had been out with injuries and cracked back out here. Others are dinged-up—and came here that way. Some guys are starting to come around. Other guys have been hot and some just kinda warm. See Harry, what most muggles don’t realize is that this is just one rodeo and it’s easy to draw bulls that don’t quite fit you PLUS the bulls have been so sorry that they ducked out from under some guys.

I don’t know about the Wizard business, Harry, but it takes character and guts to keep showing-up, with a positive attitude, and trying when things are going bad.  These guys have been winners since they were about your age and there are reasons for it.  Character and competitiveness.   Those things never change even when things are going bad.  They will have long productive careers if they want them, and a month from now they’ll be revved up and winning again. 

Jesse Bail                 142 Voo Doo                       Bailey

a PUFFSKEIN.  Spherical in shape and covered in soft, custard-coloured fur, it is a docile creature that has no objection to being cuddled or thrown about.

You like this bull rider’s face, Harry.  Looks nice?  He IS nice, Harry.  And in those eyes is a love for rodeo… for bucking horses and bulls.  Great face, huh, Harry.

You think this bull is cute? Cuddly? Has a little bear face?  He is a good draw in this pen, Harry.  I don’t think anyone has ridden him very long in a couple of years so he probably won’t finish as strong as he starts. Hey, you're right -- his owner's face sure isn't cute and cuddly.

Those badly-dressed ladies?   Those two?   Oh, those are the bull fighters. They protect the fallen riders from angry PUFFSKEINS, CRUPS, and KAPPAS. 

The plain one… looks like your friend Matt’s ugly sister?   His name is Joe. He’s very good—maybe the best protection guy ever.  He lives in a place that is very hot and the muggles there are funny looking.  He’s special, Harry.

The colorful one? He’s from a far away country where most of their animals either hop or kill and eat muggles -- or both. Just like where you come from. He’s tough, Harry. Athletic, smart, and tough.

The other guy by the gate?  Back-up bull fighter.  Cool hand Luke type.  He can handle it, you know what I mean, Harry?

They have represented their proud profession well here, Harry.  When you go back to school and if they ask you if you saw any heroes—you tell them you saw-- three.  I wouldn’t try to describe them if I were you.  No one would believe you.  They are undescribable.

IF RIDING BULLS COULD BE COMPARED TO HAVING A HEADACHE—THIS PEN WOULD BE A MIGRAINE.

Vince Stanton             112 Red Alert                     Walls

a CLABBERT… a tree dwelling creature, in appearance something like a cross between a monkey and a frog.  Hairless skin, hands and feet are webbed, and the head has short horns, with a wide mouth, which appears to be grinning at all times, and is full of razor-sharp teeth.

I read in your book that Wizards beget Wizards. Well, Harry, this is true in bull riding too.  Vince’s dad and uncle were really good.  You ever wrestle in school Harry? Yeah? You know the Chicken Wing maneuver?  No…. I don’t think you would hurt Vince. He has a temper though.  Lets wait and see what he does tonight before you challenge him.

You know, Harry, I thought this athletic bull had ground problems his first time out. The rider who looks like you, Cory Mac, made a nice ride.  This is a rematch, Harry.  Vince was 95 on Red Alert in Dall@SS.  Dall@SS is a land of bad gasses.

The most difficult part of bull riding is showing up. Showing up to get on and showing up when the gate cracks. 

Jason Legler             233 Sting Ray                      Walls

a RUNESPOOR.  Originated in the small African country of Burkina. A three-headed serpent…  livid orange with black stripes…. not in itself a particularly vicious beast… rarely reaches a great age, as the heads tend to attack each other.

So you think this guy should be a movie actor, Harry? Handsome, you think?Think you can get him in your next movie, huh?   Make him an ELF.  What? I’m too handsome for the movie business?   Hollywood doesn’t need another Brad Pitt/Tom Selleck  lookalike?  Dang. I’ve heard it before.

This is a tricky little dragon, Harry. 

Lee Akin             695 Mighty Whitey                    Kish

a CHIMAERA.  A rare Greek Monster with a lion’s head, a goat’s body, and a dragon tail.  Vicious and blood thirsty, the Chimaera is extremely dangerous.

Harry, this Akin guy has had the gold buckle in his sights all year. Still has a shot.

This yankity, yank yanker bull can have good days to ride, Harry. Or he can yankity, yank, yank you.

Josh O’Byrne             604 No Can Do                    Kish

a HEBRIDEAN RED.   A Dragon that requires a territory of up to one hundred miles.  Rough scaled, with brilliant purple eyes and a line of shallow but razor-sharp ridges along its back.  Its tail is tipped by an arrow-shaped spike and it has bat-like wings.

You’d like Josh, Harry.  Cool guy.  That face reminds me of one of those New York City Irish firemen.  He’d be a good fireman, Harry.

That description sounds like this little bull, Harry. A secret agent reported that he was the rankest bull he’d seen this year at Joseph.  However, he got crippled there and was laid off until the PBR finals where he just spun.

Cody Hancock                R410  T Bug           Gilbert (Diamond G)

a BASILISK .  Produced by placing a chicken egg underneath a toad.  Is a brilliant green serpent possessed of extremely dangerous powers.   May reach 50 feet in length.

Harry, this is our World Champion.  Great guy Harry.  Yeah… when you grow-up you might want to be like him. 

His best travel buddy RUPERTSTILTSKIN  got on this bull this fall.  This is a BIG ol’ bull, Harry.  His daddy was very hard to ride.  Yes, Harry that number on his hip is what we call a brand.  It doesn’t hurt much—bulls have very thick skins.

What’s that on that muggle standing there?  That’s a tattoo to remind him of which side the bull is supposed to buck on.  Yes, he also has thick skin…. and head.

Do you know how much $49,000 is, Harry?

Mike Moore           426 White Caps               Barnes

a DEMIGUISE.  Is a peaceful herbourvious beast, something like a graceful ape in appearance, with large, black, doleful eyes.  The whole body is covered with long, white, silvery hair.

You saw this guy on a commercial?  Dancing?   He can sure dance.  The muggles here like to see him win because then, he dances.  Glad he doesn’t sing to them. Lots of empty seats if he sang to them. Harry, Mike is riding really well… just watch.

If you were riding tonight, Harry, this would be the bull you’d want.  In this pen of big meanees, he’s a nice monster.

Fred Boettcher            01 Shag McNasty             Rumford

a DUGBOG… a marsh dwelling creature that resembles a piece of dead wood while stationary, though closer examination will reveal finned paws and very sharp teeth.  It glides and slithers through the marshland, feeding mainly on small mammals, and will do severe injury to the ankles of muggle walkers.

Harry, this tall guy reminds me of Lane Frost.  Oh … you know about Lane Frost? Yes he WAS a Wizard with people.  Oh … you have a friend at school named Fred?  Yes, Freds make good friends.  Oh... Fred is your pet SNIDGET.  What do Snidgets eat, Harry?  Bugs?  Our Freds eat cheese.  

Ever been on a roller coaster, Harry?  This bull is just like that.  If you hold on too tight you can be thrown out into space.

Philip Elkins          238 Lightning Strike            Western (Russel)

A PERUVIAN VIPERMOUTH.  A type of dragon… the horns are short and the fangs are particularly venomous.  The Vipertooth will feed readily on goats and cows but has such a liking for muggles that the International Confederation of Wizards was forced to send in exterminators.

I call this guy “the General”, Harry.   No telling how many bulls he’s been on.  Mentally tough like a soldier.  Riding bulls here is a little like being at war.  Trapped behind enemy lines.

You have any crazy people at your school, Harry?  Well, I may send this bull home with you.  Lightning Strike is a baby out of a pretty famous rodeo bull named White Lightning.   He lives with a family of crazy muggles and I’m sure they are a bad influence on him.

Cory McFadden           F29 West Coast                      Kesler

A MANTICORE.  A highly dangerous Greek beast with the head of a man, the body of a lion, and the tail of a scorpion.  A Manticore skin repels almost all known charms.

Harry… this is Cory Mack. He can REALLY ride. He’ll win a million dollars riding bulls in the next 5-6 years.  He looks a little like you, Harry.

We haven’t had much luck with this bull.  We switched deliveries so he’s over here on the right since he hit himself on the chute last time.  They swear he can be good, Harry, we just haven’t seen it. 

You got any little brothers Harry?  No… too bad.  There ARE some younger kids at your Wizards school?  Good.  I’ll send a few little bucking bull toys with you.  Kids love them.  Mr. Kesler is from Canada, Harry.  No, I think you’re thinking of Russia.   North Dakota is the closest thing we have to Siberia. But anyway MR Kesler’s grand son is here and he plays rodeo all the time. Every day he pens up his little toy bulls, trims their feet, brands them, and tips their horns.  Needs to teach GRAMPS about tippin.  I went to Regina once and you coulda knitted with his bull horns.  Don’t go to Regina in the winter, Harry.  Even an imaginary boy would freeze his imaginary b@lls off.

Blue Stone               R21 Gold Coast                Bailey

a JARVEY.  It resembles an overgrown ferret in most respects, except for the fact that it can talk. (sounds like his owner, Harry).  Live mostly below ground, where they pursue gnomes, though they also eat moles, rats, and voles.

I’d introduce you to Blue but he doesn’t talk much, Harry.  This one of the guys people are so impressed with.  God blessed him with the ability to ride bulls at this level and he in turn blessed God by trying hard every time he gets on.  You have a friend named Blue, too?  Oh… he’s a TEBO.   They make good pets, Harry? I have a Corgi...

Unlike Blue, Harry, this bull has a weak heart.  If he doesn’t buck you off in four seconds he gives up.   I don’t like that either, Harry.

Myron Duarte      092  Okeechobee Wipe Out                Beutler & Son

a QUINTAPED. A highly dangerous carnivorous beast with a particular taste for muggle flesh.  It’s thick reddish-brown hair, as are its five legs, each of which ends in a club foot.

Hey, Myron is from a warm place with naked girls.  No, Harry, not my room.  They call it HA WHY EE.   The first time I ever saw him ride, Myron was merely a boy and he rode a huge bull.  He woulda got a score of 99 here... or 100, Harry.  A perfect ride on a perfect bull would return a perfect score of 100 points. Unless it is in a  state called OH RE GONE.   A WET state with naked boys.  

This is not a nice QUINTAPED, Harry.  He shakes his head NO and wiggles all over.  Yes that is his owner.  I will tell him for you that you think he dresses in a manner as pretty as a mountain meadow.  He doesn’t smell like a meadow, Harry. 

Yes Harry looking at the camera shots on the big screen there ARE lots of older people here mixed in with a few blondes with big … big… big chests.   You know what a WOODY is Harry?  Lucky for you—you’re imaginary.

Yes… Harry, rodeo does have a problem in that its core audience is a bit long in the tooth.   Hopefully when you go back you can tell all the children how much fun rodeo is.  Oh… it isn’t?   Gee… Harry I don’t know what to say.  See that guy out there in that cylinder?  He CAN be funny.  Yes, Harry, he IS funny looking. That’s cylinder is what we call a cage.  When they let him out all the muggles become merry. They laugh and clap. Maybe they’ll let him out tonight—just for you.

Yes Harry, one would think that the worlds biggest rodeo would be the most fun rodeo in all the land—but it isn’t.   Time is the problem here, Harry.  Fifteen contestants and seven different events leaves little time for fun.  

But if rodeo doesn’t get to be MORE FUN Harry—even this rodeo—we will never interest young Wizards like yourself and even Muggle children.  Our youth rodeo ranks are rapidly diminishing.  Our numbers are dropping.   Rodeo must concentrate on being more entertaining rather than appeasing its various tribal chieftains. 

Rerides:  (not necessarily in order)

C1 Mormon Cricket                         Franzen

a STREELER.  A giant snail that changes colour on an hourly basis and deposits behind it a trail so venomous that it shrivels and burns all vegetation over which is passes (sounds like a Texan to me, Harry)   This bull is pretty heavy, Harry. 

43 Outlaw                                            Guidry

MOONCALF.  An intensely shy creature that emerges from its burrow only at the full moon.  Its body is smooth and pale grey. It has bulging round eyes on top of its head, and four spindly legs with enormous flat feet.  This bull’s owner is a dancer, Harry.  Dresses like a road sign.   The judges weren’t impressed with this bull but he looked to me like he was testing the ground—looking for a spot to turn back.

U62 Back in Black                           Franklin

an ACROMANTULA.    A monsterous eight-legged spider.   Is carnivorous and prefers large prey.  Its distinctive features include the thick black hair which covers its body; its leg span, which may reach up to fifteen feet; its pinchers, which produce a distinctive clicking sound when the Acromantual is excited or angry; and a poisonous secretion.   YUCKY DOO on this bull, Harry.

You gotta get back to school now, Harry??  Well thanks for coming little buddy.  These are good people, Harry.  Rodeo IS fun Harry.  Bring some other little Wizards next time.   I promise to read your books and learn about your world too.

What?  You gotta pee?  Well, you’re invisible.   See those guys in the striped vests?

Can you make me invisible ,Harry?